I don’t even know where to start. My situation is so complicated, so different and hard to describe. I want to write about it so that people will know that things like this happen, that if you feel this way, you’re not the only one.
When I was 8th month pregnant, my husband and I moved to a new house, the first house we ever bought. We were both really excited, decorated the house, painted the walls with vivid colours, like we love and prepared the most beautiful nursery for our little girl. We were in a good place – we had a lovely house, expected a baby, we were both healthy, happy and excited about the future.
And then everything changed. So very dramatically.
Our little sunshine came into this world, beautiful and healthy. She brought so much joy and light to our life, but at the same time something very strange was happening to me.
Instead of being happy I became anxious and paranoid. Everything about our new house started bothering me; I became obsessed about stupid things like the neighbours, noises, even about our parking lot! I started hating the neighbourhood, began regretting ever buying this house, felt sorry for myself for having a little baby and having no elevator in the building. Everything was so dark and scary! I became paranoid, thinking that people in the building want to interrupt me and my precious baby.
That being said, I realised, while it was happening, that there is absolutely no logic to this situation. I realised it was my mind tricking me. It’s so strange to even explain, I couldn’t stand the house, I became sad, nervous and impatient. All I wanted to do was getting into bed and never waking up :( Yes, it was THAT bad.
I had a baby girl who needed me so much…
I tried my best to give her my all, all that I had at this point (it wasn’t enough, it still isn’t). I was and still am flooded with guilt feelings. How could I care so much about a stupid house when I had a baby to take care of? I still don’t quite get it.
My mind and soul were both dying; I had to get out of there.
And so I did.
For the past month I’ve been living at my parents’ house. It’s hardly the best solution, not even close, but at least I can find some peace of mind there. I feel relaxed, I have no anxieties, I simply enjoy being with my sweet baby girl. Obviously this can’t be a long-term solution; it’s not healthy for us and not healthy for my parents as well. Everything is so stressful there. I feel as if I’m always being watched and my parenting skills are always being tested. In a way I feel like a teenager again! It’s quite awful, as you can imagine.
These are hard times for my family, however in all this crazy chaos, I feel so blessed to have my husband by my side, simply staying there, supporting me and trying to understand a very illogical situation. I don’t take any of this for granted.
We are trying to find a solution. I feel so overwhelmed, but we are taking baby steps, together, to find the way out of this darkness, to find a way to make me happy again.
I just want a place to call HOME. A place where my husband and I can raise our baby girl with happiness, joy and peace. That’s all I want. That’s all I ever wanted.
It’s hard to stay positive; it’s so easy to drown back in depression. There are moments that I ask myself why did all this happened to me, why couldn’t I just had a baby and simply be happy? But I know there is no simple answer. Postpartum depression happens, in many forms, shapes and colours, to many different kind of women.
If a person you know and love is experiencing postpartum depression, in any kind of way, please try to stay patient, don’t judge and simply try to be there and support them. If you’re one of these people yourself, well, know that you’re not the only one experiencing this hell, you’re not alone! Don’t ever forget this.
Hoping for better days and happier posts :)