Now they’ve stolen my phone

Come on, you gotta be kidding me! How many more lessons or tests do you intend to do to me? This is getting ridiculous!!!

Yesterday we went to this mall I really like, probably the most unfriendly mall for babies, I later found out. We went to a tattoo studio. I’ve been wanting to do a tattoo for some time now, something that has to do with my baby girl… so we finally went there, I spoke with this really cool guy and he gave me some ideas and told me to come back after I do some ‘homework’ on the tattoo I want. I went out of the studio with this note of sketches he drew, put it my bag, opened my phone to write this guy’s name, so I’ll remember it later on, and then we went back to the car. We entered the car, and like always, I was looking for my phone, only this time it wasn’t there! We looked everywhere in my bag, my baby’s diaper bag and the car, the phone was nowhere to be found. My husband tried calling it, but it was already disconnected. Damn.

I went back to the mall, it was loaded with people, I knew there was absolutely no way I’ll find it, but I tried anyway… of course I didn’t find anything. This is the very first time I lose my phone, I know it may seem pathetic, but going through this endless hard time, being jobless and unhappy, my phone was a silly ray of light or fun, and now I’ve lost that too.

This sucks big time. My sweet husband said he’ll buy me a new improved phone tomorrow. This is the longest time by far I’m without my phone. I thought I’d feel liberated… but the truth is I feel kinda naked. I miss my stupid little HTC phone. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that some jerk has ALL my baby girl’s photos. I’m a privacy freak! I don’t use Facebook and always take all the precautions in order to keep my privacy… I feel so helpless.

I know this is another one of god’s lessons for me. A very painful and cruel one. People can be so mean, I can’t believe someone has actually stolen that phone, it’s not worth that much, and maybe, just maybe, I’m still that naive girl.

Hope your weekend is going a lot better. Cheers.

Keeping My Head Up

Where do I start from? Everything is so complicated at the moment. Nothing in my life goes as it should, there is no flow to things. I’m sad, disappointed, I feel like a failure, but at some moments I see very light rays of hope, I have to.

It’s not just me anymore, I have a baby girl who needs me, who’s starting a kindergarten real soon, I have to be strong for her, I can’t give up, she needs me. It’s so frustrating… sometimes when I think of everything that happened to me lately it seems so overwhelming, so unreal, like there’s a curse on me or something like that. I know it ain’t true and I know things like that happen, but the timing couldn’t be any worse.

I want to be strong again, I want to be happy again, I want to smile and feel vital! I want to have a normal life again. Depression can be such a dark lonely place. I haven’t lost my faith yet, I hope things will work out, I know it will take time, a lot of it perhaps, but I need to hold on to that faith and hope, otherwise I will sink so badly into that black hole.

I want to be better for you little Panda, you deserve so much more! I love you so much, you have no idea.

Quick Update

It’s been a while since I had the time or will to write here. Things are still far away from great, but they are getting better, slowly.

It feels like the past months have been some sort of test, as if god is testing me. I don’t think I passed, but lord knows I’m doing my best.

Baby Panda turned 8 months yesterday, and this is probably the happiest news I have to share. She’s growing fast, becoming more beautiful and bright every day. She’s really starting to develop her own character, and I have to say… it’s quite similar to mine (poor hubby).

There are some positive developments in the job hunt field, but I’ll write about it when it’ll be final and certain (cross your fingers for me).

Hubby surprised me with an early birthday party. This weekend we’re going to a vacation to Eilat! I really can’t wait. That’s exactly what I need right now – sun, sea and some peace of mind, away from everything.

That’s it for now, bare with me, okay?

* I changed my blog theme, I’m not sure I like it. What do you say?

Breakdown

It’s all over for me

Every inch of my body tells me so

My vital organs are empty

My soul is slowly dying

The emptiness inside me

Sores like a burn

Nothing makes sense anymore

It hasn’t for months

Like a everlasting bad dream

I keep on waking up to the same reality

Every day

I keep on being reminded

That I lost everything I ever had -

My sanity

My life

Myself.

Homeless

I don’t even know where to start. My situation is so complicated, so different and hard to describe. I want to write about it so that people will know that things like this happen, that if you feel this way, you’re not the only one.

When I was 8th month pregnant, my husband and I moved to a new house, the first house we ever bought. We were both really excited, decorated the house, painted the walls with vivid colours, like we love and prepared the most beautiful nursery for our little girl. We were in a good place – we had a lovely house, expected a baby, we were both healthy, happy and excited about the future.

And then everything changed.  So very dramatically.

Our little sunshine came into this world, beautiful and healthy. She brought so much joy and light to our life, but at the same time something very strange was happening to me.

Instead of being happy I became anxious and paranoid. Everything about our new house started bothering me; I became obsessed about stupid things like the neighbours, noises, even about our parking lot! I started hating the neighbourhood, began regretting ever buying this house, felt sorry for myself for having a little baby and having no elevator in the building. Everything was so dark and scary! I became paranoid, thinking that people in the building want to interrupt me and my precious baby.

That being said, I realised, while it was happening,  that there is absolutely no logic to this situation. I realised it was my mind tricking me. It’s so strange to even explain, I couldn’t stand the house, I became sad, nervous and impatient. All I wanted to do was getting into bed and never waking up :( Yes, it was THAT bad.

I had a baby girl who needed me so much…

I tried my best to give her my all, all that I had at this point (it wasn’t enough, it still isn’t). I was and still am flooded with guilt feelings. How could I care so much about a stupid house when I had a baby to take care of? I still don’t quite get it.

My mind and soul  were both dying; I had to get out of there.

And so I did.

For the past month I’ve been living at my parents’ house.  It’s hardly the best solution, not even close, but at least I can find some peace of mind there. I feel relaxed, I have no anxieties, I simply enjoy being with my sweet baby girl. Obviously this can’t be a long-term solution; it’s not healthy for us and not healthy for my parents as well. Everything is so stressful there. I  feel as if I’m always being watched and my parenting skills are always being tested. In a way I feel like a teenager again! It’s quite awful, as you can imagine.

These are hard times for my family, however in all this crazy chaos, I feel so blessed to have my husband by my side, simply staying there, supporting me and trying to understand a very illogical situation. I don’t take any of this for granted.

We are trying to find a solution. I feel so overwhelmed, but we are taking baby steps, together, to find the way out of this darkness, to find a way to make me happy again.

I just want a place to call HOME. A place where my husband and I can raise our baby girl with happiness, joy and peace. That’s all I want. That’s all I ever wanted.

It’s hard to stay positive; it’s so easy to drown back in depression. There are moments that I ask myself why did all this happened to me, why couldn’t I just had a baby and simply be happy? But I know there is no simple answer. Postpartum depression happens, in many forms, shapes and colours, to many different kind of women.

If a person you know and love is experiencing postpartum depression, in any kind of way, please try to stay patient, don’t judge and simply try to be there and support them. If you’re one of these people yourself, well, know that you’re not the only one experiencing this hell, you’re not alone! Don’t ever forget this.

Hoping for better days and happier posts :)

Being a mother

Wow. It’s been 4 months since I gave birth to my sweet baby panda, also known as baby M.

The past 4 months have been crazy, no other way to describe it. At times it was crazy hard and difficult, other times it was sad and lonely and finally and most recently, it’s been crazy fun, good and amazing.

I’m so lucky and blessed to have such a good baby. She sleeps well, eats well, develops quickly, she’s bright, funny, naughty, beautiful and she’s my sweet tender little panda bear :)

Not all was roses though, not all is roses now. So many ups and downs, emotional whirlpools, sadness, guilt and at times the sense of losing myself.

I’ve been on a maternity leave for 4 months and I should be getting back to work every day now. I’ve been postponing it, repressing it and mainly been so damn sad.

From a person who once wasn’t sure who wants children, I now became a person who can’t imagine not waking up in the morning and seeing her wide smiles. I feel so attached to her, as if we’re one unit. Spending the past 4 months with her has made me love her so much, a love I never felt before, it’s not similar to any other form of love. It’s so powerful and intense.

In the past few days I’ve been really down. I’m running out of time and I should be starting to deal with my emotions. It’s time to separate, time to leave her in the best hands of my mum and go back to work to find the person I’ve lost along this journey. It’s so against nature to leave your own baby and go back to the life you’ve had before, it’s really cruel, but at the same time so crucial and essential.

This week I started gradually leaving panda at my mum’s house for a few hours, so both of us can get used to this new situation. I know she’ll be okay, I trust my mum and she loves baby M so much! I know everything will be alright eventually, I just wish I could be a little more stable and strong for my baby, so she won’t feel my insecurity. I want the best for her and I pray to god I will be able to find myself again, get stronger with myself and give her my all. She deserves nothing less than the best I can give her.

Good luck to us my sweet panda. I love you more than words can express. All the way to the moon and back.

Your mum.

The sun whispers it's gonna be alright...

The sun whispers it’s gonna be alright…

Caged

I’m trapped in my own house

My own thoughts are bringing me down

I’m down that hole again

My black hole of obsession

Caged in the darkness of my withering soul.