Being a mother

Wow. It’s been 4 months since I gave birth to my sweet baby panda, also known as baby M.

The past 4 months have been crazy, no other way to describe it. At times it was crazy hard and difficult, other times it was sad and lonely and finally and most recently, it’s been crazy fun, good and amazing.

I’m so lucky and blessed to have such a good baby. She sleeps well, eats well, develops quickly, she’s bright, funny, naughty, beautiful and she’s my sweet tender little panda bear :)

Not all was roses though, not all is roses now. So many ups and downs, emotional whirlpools, sadness, guilt and at times the sense of losing myself.

I’ve been on a maternity leave for 4 months and I should be getting back to work every day now. I’ve been postponing it, repressing it and mainly been so damn sad.

From a person who once wasn’t sure who wants children, I now became a person who can’t imagine not waking up in the morning and seeing her wide smiles. I feel so attached to her, as if we’re one unit. Spending the past 4 months with her has made me love her so much, a love I never felt before, it’s not similar to any other form of love. It’s so powerful and intense.

In the past few days I’ve been really down. I’m running out of time and I should be starting to deal with my emotions. It’s time to separate, time to leave her in the best hands of my mum and go back to work to find the person I’ve lost along this journey. It’s so against nature to leave your own baby and go back to the life you’ve had before, it’s really cruel, but at the same time so crucial and essential.

This week I started gradually leaving panda at my mum’s house for a few hours, so both of us can get used to this new situation. I know she’ll be okay, I trust my mum and she loves baby M so much! I know everything will be alright eventually, I just wish I could be a little more stable and strong for my baby, so she won’t feel my insecurity. I want the best for her and I pray to god I will be able to find myself again, get stronger with myself and give her my all. She deserves nothing less than the best I can give her.

Good luck to us my sweet panda. I love you more than words can express. All the way to the moon and back.

Your mum.

The sun whispers it's gonna be alright...

The sun whispers it’s gonna be alright…

Caged

I’m trapped in my own house

My own thoughts are bringing me down

I’m down that hole again

My black hole of obsession

Caged in the darkness of my withering soul.

2013 in review

Though I didn’t have too much activity on my blog in 2013, I really loved this cool Annual Report by WordPress, so I wanted to share it on my blog.

Enjoy the last day of 2013 and may 2014 be awesome than ever!!!

Happy New Year dear folks, I wish you an amazing year full of happiness, laughter, health and great experiences.

Cheers!

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 700 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 12 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Leak In My Soul

My soul is aching

 

In my dreams I struggle against myself

I want to shout, but can’t produce a sound

I want to touch, but my body is paralysed

 

Mountains of snow can’t show me the way this time

Everything is blurred

Like my window after a fair amount of rain

The leak on the ceiling is a cruel prank of god

A pathetic reminder of my state

 

It’s me against me and I’m losing this hopeless battle

Daily Prompt: Five Items

This is the first time I’m participating in the daily prompt. I really want to get back to blogging much more often, and these daily prompts seem to be just the motivation I need.

So I thought this one would be pretty hard – five items that I must have with me on a deserted island, however going through items in my mind made me realise this one is actually pretty easy.

I always take with me to wherever I go a pen and a notebook just in case I want to write down something – it can be something I want to remember, a quote or lyrics which I heard and loved, to do list or any other random though which I want to capture. So these are my two must have items.

Third item will probably be my iPod. Music on one hand reminds me of my past and on the other hand gives me hope. My music reminds me of special moments in my life – there are certain songs which remind me a specific event, like the song “Take this waltz” by Leonard Cohen, which for some reason always reminds me of my trip to Northern Italy and especially that special moment my then boyfriend (now husband)  and I were on a boat in beautiful Venice. I love having my music with me, it kind of makes me feel home away from home wherever I go. This is definitely a must as well.

Last two are true necessities to survive – food and water. First three items will nurture my soul, but these two will nurture my body and keep my alive.

What are your five must-have items?

Happy Friday, enjoy this lovely rainy day.

Image

Weekly Photo Challenge: Let There Be Light!

So slowly and cautiously I’m trying to get back to blogging, as much as my baby girl allows me to. It’s not easy, but it’s fun when I find some spare time to do things I like for myself. So what’s better than getting back to the Weekly Photo Challenge? Especially when the theme is light!

We’re celebrating Hanukkah at the moment, also known as The Festival of Lights. It’s a really cheerful holiday, we light candles in the menorah every day for eight days together with family, sing holiday carols and eat donuts :) My kind of holiday.

So here is my humble contribution for this week’s challenge – our menorah in the fourth day of holiday. For all of you who celebrate this holiday – Happy Hanukkah, enjoy this magical time with your family and friends.

Menorah