Wow. It’s been 4 months since I gave birth to my sweet baby panda, also known as baby M.
The past 4 months have been crazy, no other way to describe it. At times it was crazy hard and difficult, other times it was sad and lonely and finally and most recently, it’s been crazy fun, good and amazing.
I’m so lucky and blessed to have such a good baby. She sleeps well, eats well, develops quickly, she’s bright, funny, naughty, beautiful and she’s my sweet tender little panda bear :)
Not all was roses though, not all is roses now. So many ups and downs, emotional whirlpools, sadness, guilt and at times the sense of losing myself.
I’ve been on a maternity leave for 4 months and I should be getting back to work every day now. I’ve been postponing it, repressing it and mainly been so damn sad.
From a person who once wasn’t sure who wants children, I now became a person who can’t imagine not waking up in the morning and seeing her wide smiles. I feel so attached to her, as if we’re one unit. Spending the past 4 months with her has made me love her so much, a love I never felt before, it’s not similar to any other form of love. It’s so powerful and intense.
In the past few days I’ve been really down. I’m running out of time and I should be starting to deal with my emotions. It’s time to separate, time to leave her in the best hands of my mum and go back to work to find the person I’ve lost along this journey. It’s so against nature to leave your own baby and go back to the life you’ve had before, it’s really cruel, but at the same time so crucial and essential.
This week I started gradually leaving panda at my mum’s house for a few hours, so both of us can get used to this new situation. I know she’ll be okay, I trust my mum and she loves baby M so much! I know everything will be alright eventually, I just wish I could be a little more stable and strong for my baby, so she won’t feel my insecurity. I want the best for her and I pray to god I will be able to find myself again, get stronger with myself and give her my all. She deserves nothing less than the best I can give her.
Good luck to us my sweet panda. I love you more than words can express. All the way to the moon and back.